Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Take The Wheel, Health Club Jack-Off Guy

Eds. Note: This is the 14th installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights.

Huh. Well, this is a touch off-putting. You most definitely are looking directly at me right now.

Awkward.

Okay, I know what you must be thinking: "that handsome debauchee in Zubaz over there ducking behind the climbing wall has his erect penis out and appears to be vigorously shimmying his hand(s) in a rhythmic manner while shamelessly leering at me doing mile three on my elliptical."

Sure, I suppose that's one incurious way to look at what is happening. Touche, my elegantly perspiring Dame. Touche.

But Brad? (Note: I'm Brad.) He prefers to cast it as a tender exercise session founded on unilateral respect and adoration between one or more consenting adults likely ending in copious ejaculation.

Or perhaps a polite, well executed spank off extravaganza steeped in enthusiastic artistic appreciation?

How about a venerable, learned creator achieving Bacchanalian gratification while unleashing his hungry eyes upon a lycra-clad, camel-toed muse?

Or even a self-pleasuring impresario locked deep in Man-friction's sacred, warming embrace?

Semantics aside,  I was simply tending to nature's sweet itch just as a less lonely and sociopathic gentleman might woo and romance a real lover.

Alright, I'll concede that I could have approached things differently, such as buying a membership to this gym, and wearing shorts over my engorged genitals while engaging in an actual workout near you on the chance that we could meet and then court in a more traditional manner.

But there's very little chance it would have allowed me the freedom to guiltlessly masturbate to your erstwhile blissfully unaware female form.

Oh, okay. You seem to be off somewhere in a bit of a hurry. I should probably be going, myself.  Need to hit the grocery store on the way home.
 
But if it's all the same to you, would you mind leaving that sweaty towel behind?  Thanks a load.

Best,
Brad

11 comments:

bschooled said...

I like your spunk, Brad. Not many impresarios have the balls to put themselves out there like you have.

I hope I don't sound like a total whack job, but you're definitely the kind of guy I could see myself wanking up with every morning.

Tell you what. Give me a pearl necklace and we'll make this official.

Love in the Dumps said...

Great ending. A 'happy' ending. Normally I resist Denny's links, for they send me down a depraved path, but I couldn't for the life of me resist camel toed muse.
- Dumps
PS I read this after a mediocre jerk

singlegirlie said...

Uh, you don't fool me, "Brad." I can tell you are Denny in disguise. Don't try to confuse us by putting your pubic hair where your heart should be and vice versa.

Go ahead and spank the monkey (the one on the pig), it's all good. Just be sure to switch hands so one gun doesn't get disproportionately larger than the other.

nursemyra said...

I watched all six minutes of that Olivia Newton John video and barely saw her underwear let alone a full blown camel toe

Bearman said...

Why does that poor man have a heart where his weiner should be. He should get that checked out

Denny DelVecchio said...

People, what's with all of the masturbation references today?

@B: Come on. Don't jack me around, princess, gushing on and on. You're making me a whack job. I'll need to spank you. And then wait out a refractory period.

@Dumps: Denny never has a mediocre jerk. I even bring it strong for myself.

@Single: Denny is not Brad. Denny never needs to hide when he's breaking it off proper at a public gym. It's part of the membership fee.

@Good Nurse. Apologies. But admittedly it's gratifying (and sort of hot) to have a beautiful and intelligent woman chiding me for not delivering her a camel toe in a music video.

@Bear: His HMO is pretty fucked up.

Dr. Cynicism said...

"Thanks a load."

Ahhhhhh Denny. You complete my humor.

Denny's Ex-Wife said...

This is the sexiest thing I've read since your 6th grade manifesto entitled "My Well Oiled Love Missile: A Sex Bomb for the Women of the World"

JUST ME said...

I think this guy goes to my gym. In fact, I saw him there last night. Blue short shorts and a long grandfather time beard.

Yup.

I'm sure it was him.

pattypunker said...

i'm pretty sure andy gibb showed more camel toe than onj.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Doc Sin: Show me the money.

@Ho: In the interest of accuracy, that was ghost-authored in summer school before 7th grade.

@Just: What is the name and address of your gym again? Oh, and what time do you work out?

@PP: That's because he had a vagina.