Sunday, May 29, 2011

From The Bag Of Tricks: Take The Wheel, Pacey Witter


Eds. Note: This is the ninth installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights.   

Oh, well, well well, what have we here? 

It looks like Dawson Leery--the oldest American teenager since Ralph Macchio's 37 year old twig-dick was waxing Dame Elizabeth Shue on and off back in 1984. 

And Pacey has one thing to say to you:

Get your manicured hands, gingivitis hairline, Suvari-esque forehead and "ahh shucks Mr. Potter, I'd never ask for a sloppy handjob from your only daughter in the passenger seat of a '94 Honda Civic after studying late for our AP European History class" away from the girl.  And step your bitch ass to Pacey Witter. Because it's time for your $5 Footlong of pain, friend.

It's just not enough for you to be the smartest, most sensitive human without a vagina (allegedly) in Capeside. You apparently also feel the need to biblically recline with the only non-blonde I've ever loved. And by love, I mean shamelessly masturbated to while listening to side two of ELO's Eldorado, A Symphony with my booze-wrecked cop father and four sibs watching Ally McBeal in the next room. 

Now that's love.

And that's what you're messing with, homeboy.

I'll cut you.

Oh, wait, I get to take the sensitive blonde chipmunk instead? Well thanks a fucking million, partner. That's like offering me a goddamn Necco while you suck down a bag of Skittles Crazy Cores right in front of me.

You and Joey are Soulmates?  Please. That $2 sperm sponge will mount the first multimillionaire, bat-shit crazy Scientologist movie star that holds a door for her.  Mark Pacey's word. 

This is really all about Miss Jacobs robbing my fragile flower Freshman year, right? 

Well you know what, you can have her. Just send me over my true heart. My one and only. My Joey "Holy Dick Don't Confuse Me With Monica, Harry or Colonel " Potter.

And then I can get you a three episode turn on Fringe and/or Diane Kruger.

Ball's in your court, Dawson.   

And I don't want to wait. 

Signed,
Pacey

9 comments:

Dr. Cynicism said...

Agreed - I think he will cut him.

Anonymous said...

Joshua Jackson had nothing to do with this article. Are you trying to be funny?

Penelope said...

Ooooh, snap, Anonymous. Pacey, I always loved you best. And holy gah, what did they do to Michelle Williams in that photo? She's such a pretty girl now. And, bonus, not brain-washed. Unless you consider living in Brooklyn as a hipster mom being brainwashed. Which, on second thought, I do. Huh. Toss-up there. Lovely to hear from you, Pace. I never watched Fringe. It still on? Good luck in all your endeavors. xoxo, Penny.

Linda Medrano said...

I have no idea what any of this means and I have watched the show. Never mind. I liked it anyway. I'm demented like that.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Doc Sin: Yeah, probably.

@Anonymous: I will take your thoughtful comment under advisementgofuckyourself.

@PLope: I'll forward that gushing fan letter to Sir Pacey Witter.

@Linda: I've never seen this show. And this sealed it.

bluntdelivery said...

i still can't believe i've never seen an episode of Dawson's creek. My twinsie katie holmes was all up in that show.

not sure if it's a good thing people think i resemble her. pretty sure it's not.

anyway, can you make an entire post of Ed. notes?

wife number eleventeen said...

Pacey Witter owns my heart. And 23% of my vagina.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Katie: It's you, isn't it?

@W#11teen: The guy's hung like a Mayfly. He only needs 6%.

womenarefrommars said...

@bluntdelivery: It's only a problem if you're engaged to a short, well-closeted man who thinks we were invented by aliens. Because then you'd be the copy-cat twin. If not, then maybe you're the not-crazy twin.

I will maybe possibly admit to watching Dawson's Creek. But only maybe possibly the last season. And only because my friends made me (yes, there was a gun at my head sweartogod).

I always liked Pacey. Dawson was fucking annoying. However. When Pacey and Joey finally did it? Most awkward teenage pre-cherry-popping scene ever.