Thursday, July 14, 2011

From The Bag of Tricks: Waldenbooks Kicks Barnes & Noble's Pissy Little Ass (Advance #38)

So, I hear you're out talking shit again--saying you prefer literary cyborg Barnes & Noble over dignified gentleman of refinement Waldenbooks.

Oh, okay, so Denny thinks he understands.

You're the joyless vulgarian who prefers Burlington Coat Factory to Rue St. Denis.

The shameless cuckold who would co-habitate with the Cloverdale Monster over Godzilla.

The friendless cur who favors the company of a Fleshlight to a good old-fashioned hot shower with a Loofah, bottle of Aussie Mega Rainforest Mist Conditioner and 20 good minutes to kill.

Are you feeling like the trend-sniffing troglodyte that you are?  That's right. Denny thinks so, too.

For my money, I want a bookstore where I can freely peruse racks full of 50% off 2010 Cats in Hats calendars, bury my nose in any one of 16 different magazines that I must buy if I read, or get lost in the Suzanne Somers Jazz Dancing Guidebook knowing that only one employee is on duty to shoo me homeward.

I also enjoy being asked three different times upon checkout if I'm totally sure I don't want to "join the Waldenbooks President's Club of Values because I can totally save 5% right now and up to 25% on future purchases... oh man can you please help me...this branch is closing in September and I just can't go back to giving $20 tugjobs in the bathroom of Carl's Jr.  just so I don't have to move back in with Randy, that three timing uteromaniac who's probably back with that skanky trull from "Thighs On You"over by the airport...wait...wait... You forgot your receipt."

But you probably already knew that.

I love you, Waldenbooks. You can move in above my garage anytime if the worst comes to pass.

Boldly,
Denny DelVecchio

11 comments:

Love in the Dumps said...

Denny likes Cat in the Hat calendars with saod cats leaning over provocatively on corvettes

PS - guess who's coming back next week?
PPS- no, not your ex wife who left you in Camden

Denny DelVecchio said...

Emotionally, and physically, turgid.

Sarah P said...

Waldenbooks hasn't closed yet? It's like your mom's legs - rode hard, passé, and beyond-all-reasonable-hope still open.

Penelope said...

Oh, Denny. Scarred for life due to Fleshlight. Scarred for light. Cloverfield monster wasn't a walk in the park either.

I'm concerned about the scale of the Fleshlights. Is a pooper really that small? Are the kinds of dudes who would buy those things really really tiny in the wang department? So many horrible things.

I'm going to assume the bathroom website thing is due to a George Costanza type thing and not a gay Republican senator in an airport bathroom with a glory hole kind of a thing.

Oh, D. For better or worse, you rock my world. xoxo

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Sara P: I was thinking almost exactly the same thing. I would also like to have sex with Denny DelVecchio right about now.

@Plope: You seem to be on the fence on this post. Get off that fence, Kittycat, and come snuggle up to Double D.

Penelope said...

Purring,

Plope

Denny DelVecchio said...

Just physically turgid now.

bschooled said...

I thought Randy was a uterusmaniac?

ps. I love it when you combine big words with little words.

Denny DelVecchio said...

He was. RIP.

blunt delivery said...

you say burlington coat factory like it's some sort of second hand, low quality department store that smells like piss and mold?

at any rate, the only thing i can think of is the Office when burlington coat factory is mentioned.

please tell me you watch the office.

sidenote, i'm pretty pissed about Borders closing. That cocoa trio was the best part of my winter.

womenarefrommars said...

Denny, I didn't know you posed for book covers and the like. But why would you shave the stash? So not sexy.